Justin Frank On Splitting

From early infancy, we try to organize our internal world, a need that persists throughout life. At first we simplify that world, turning our experiences into good and bad, comfort at our mother's presence and discomfort in her absence.

This attempt to order psychic life into good and bad experiences is called splitting, and it is a fundamental way to make sense of different emotions by keeping opposite feelings separate from one another. This protects the child from feeling confused or anxious that his bad feelings will destroy his good ones.

When children divide up into teams of good guys and bad guys, they are splitting. When parents divorce, some children have to see one parent as the victim and the other as the victimizer in order to manage their fears and confusion. Whatever the circumstance, as children we all learn to split in order to manage anxiety. It is normal and a necessary part of emotional growth.

[...] People split between idealization and demonization. Before the age of five, most children idealize their parents as powerful people without fault. Idealization facilitates growth and development, enabling the child to identify with the strengths of a parent. At the same time idealization keeps aggressive or murderous feelings from reaching the child's consciousness. The child thus avoids guilt feelings, remaining unaware of potentially destructive wishes against his perfect caregivers.

But when the child becomes disillusioned with his parents - it usually happens around the age of five - organized patriotism, religious indoctrination, or team sports are there to pick up the pieces and form bases for new idealizations that protect the child from disappointment and anger. In healthy environments the child eventually gains perspective on parental faults.