mcrbids On Parenting (Slashdot)

As a father of 5 children, I counsel my kids that it's usually their fault when they are the victims. They are responsible for themselves and their own well being, and they are the ones who suffer when they don't ensure this.

Yes, bad people do mean things, and you can't stop that. But you can do many things to ensure that the bad people don't do those mean things to you. Whether by locking your bike, (so it's not stolen) avoiding dangerous situations, or by demanding respect early in a relationship.

There's a kid who lives nearby (whom I'll call Ray) who is a classic victim. It seems like, no matter what, things just don't work out for this kid. It's sad, really. But recently, this he has been hanging out at our house, and we've been counseling the him to stand up for himself. He really had no idea how much of his bad situations he had personally been contributing to, and the result is that, even though we aren't his parents, he's really bonded with us.

When a child is victimized, if the authority does nothing to teach the victim how to handle the situation from a position of strength, it reinforces their position of weakness. They are given the message that they need to be coddled by the authorities against the bad bullies, and I think that's just wrong. This then prevents the situation from actually improving long term, and when it gets bad enough, the victim pops and mows down a schoolyard with an AK-47.

Bullies should be punished, and frequently, so should the victims.

When fights break out among our kids, we punish both parties equally. While the aggressor gets punished for "taking things to the next level", the victim is punished for allowing it to happen to him/her. They can develop means to encourage aggressors to leave them the !@## alone, and they do.

Forget "fair". Life isn't fair, and law is just a set of consequences that only take effect when you get caught. Teaching towards not being in the victim role helps people avoid the pain of being taken advantage of, and being hurt by the very authorities put there to protect them.

For the record, actual fights are very rare in our household. Our children are usually described by others as unusual in how close, polite, and considerate they are towards each other. Said children range from age 9 to age 17.